It’s Okay (Not to Be Okay)

I wasn’t expecting this.  I mean, I knew it would be tough, but I really wasn’t prepared for just how much would be expected of me.

My dad had his surgery, two weeks ago actually, and was discharged last week.  Everything went great, his sobriety this time around really helped speed up the healing and his hospital stay.  Since he’s been home, though, it’s pretty much constant texting between the two of us; he’s giving me all of these names and numbers, I have to do all of his phone calls, I have to schedule all of his appointments, record all of those appointments, familiarize myself with his care much as I can at least since I’m 600 miles away.  He was supposed to have a lawyer come to the hospital to finalize the power of attorney stuff so it’d be easier for me and the lawyer never came so every single phone call I make is a series of hoops I have to jump through to prove who I am.

Between having a daycare and basically being a FT personal assistant it’s really so tricky.  I am so overwhelmed.  It’s really making my anxiety flare up because now my daughter, the super-sensitive four-year-old, has been extra needy and between her and my father I get less “me” time than I did before (and I barely had any before!).

I haven’t felt so isolated in a long time.  Nobody really understands about my dad, they’ll listen but the most I get is an, “I’m sorry,” or “That sucks,” but that’s it.  It does suck.  He’s an old 59 and because of his alcoholism he has brain damage so learning sign language is pointless, especially since we have no way of seeing each other, plus I have no time or money to learn it.  Our only option is the texting and right now, I hate to say it, but every single time my phone chirps my heart sinks a little.  I know he needs me, though, so I feel so selfish for even admitting that.  And to the world, no less.

I had a really good cry the day before his surgery.  I sat all alone in the living room after everybody went to bed and I just let myself release every single emotion I’ve had inside about all of this.  I do that every so often, a purging of my heart, so to speak, and it helps.  I don’t need to do it often because I feel like I’m pretty good about handling stress and emotion, but right now I feel like I’m overflowing already.  I’m filled to the brim and the slightest movement will create a waterfall.

I cried today already.  I had a moment alone where the kids were playing nicely and not arguing and it just happened, very unexpectedly, I just started crying.  I didn’t realize it at first but I just felt the hot water running down my cheeks and when I felt the tears with my fingers it was like the rest of my body caught up and I just started hyperventilating.

My grandparents, my dad’s parents, want me to keep them informed of the goings on with him and all of his medical stuff, which I get, they’re his parents, but for some reason only my grandmother talks to me and she has a failing memory so she doesn’t remember that I’ve told her all of these things so she just goes on to think I’m just not telling them at all.  Their oldest child, my dad’s brother, lives near to them so they include him in all of this (even though my dad doesn’t want that) so he’ll go and try to make all of the same phone calls I do just to get his own info and then tell my grandparents and they seem to think he’s the one doing all of the dirty work when, really, he’s just getting the simplified 10 second answer that I put 40 minutes of work into.

And I’m here overwhelmed, stressed, and shrugged off.

And so now I’m using my blog as an outlet for my frustrations because holy hell I just need to let off some steam sometimes.